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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Zen of Dating: Success Comes In Many Forms

I’m taking a beginning pottery class.

I sat at the wheel that first Saturday morning, certain that I was going to be a savant. I then proceeded to create a laughably tiny, off-center bowl that will probably hold paper clips on my desk the rest of my life. I should have scrapped it, but I had an emotional attachment to my first piece. That, and I couldn’t resist the idea of future clients asking if a child made it for me.

***


I’m taking a beginning pottery class.

I sat at the wheel that first Saturday morning, certain that I was going to be a savant. I then proceeded to create a laughably tiny, off-center bowl that will probably hold paper clips on my desk the rest of my life. I should have scrapped it, but I had an emotional attachment to my first piece. That, and I couldn’t resist the idea of future clients asking if a child made it for me.


Generally, I’m not great at pursuing things that I’m not good at right off the bat. This, I feel, is a personality flaw. (Exhibit A: tap dancing. I’m a horrible tap dancer. I probably could improve if I didn’t leave classes in a fit of rage.) And yet, I’ve been returning to the pottery studio to practice on days my class doesn’t meet. Last week, I sat at the wheel and obliterated three bowls and finally managed to create something so-so. Gratefully for my desk, I’d learned to edit, and leave behind the pieces that weren’t worth saving. I almost floated out of the studio in a serene mood…no fit of rage to be found.

What had changed? Feeling like I’d made a stride in my personal life, I broke it down on my walk home: All days are “successful” because different lessons are learned. Discovery comes not only from success, but taking lessons from “mistakes.”

OK, Match Maven…what does this have to do with online dating?

I want you to stop beating yourself up. There are tremendous lessons to be learned in every step of online dating…even the perceived missteps.

For example: Your long-term relationship has ended and you go online. You haven’t been on a first date in four years. You meet a potential match at a bar, but at the end of the drink, you decide he isn’t for you.

Don’t focus on the disappointment that he isn’t “The One.” Go home and be proud of yourself for a) putting yourself online in the first place, b) choosing someone you agreed to meet and c) then meeting him without letting your nerves get the best of you.

You haven’t flirted with a new guy in four years and you didn’t throw up or wet your pants at the bar. See? You can do this! Didn’t like the fact that he talked about himself the entire evening? Now you know something else about your practical criteria: you want a date who is interested in you and asks questions. Check that box: Another Success.

When I was first online, I went on breakfast, lunch and dinner dates. I was on a mission to find love. But, believe me, not all of those dates were traditional successes.

The silver lining? Online dating exposed me to people I never would have met in my daily life. Even though I’m an avid reader and keep up with current events, I was startled by how much I learned about the world outside of my own community by going on first dates…that would never lead to second dates.

I had never heard of interventional radiology before, had no idea how to search for legal documents online, had no clue that a lobster roll at Pearl Oyster Bar would become one of my favorite treats.

I met potential matches in parts of the city I hadn’t explored before and was introduced to little coffee shops that are still favorite stops. I am thankful for all those “failed” dates because they not only enriched my understanding of people and dating, but also of New York City.

So…imagine going on dates as a cross between therapy and a living "Time Out New York". Even if the date is ho-hum, you’ll learn a little something: either about yourself and what you want …or the new best place to get happy hour oysters. You win either way.

The owner of my pottery studio watched me kill a couple pots the last time I was there practicing. I shared with him my dashed “savant theory”. He shook his head and said: “Maybe you are a savant for being here in the first place. You’re spending time outside of class trying to improve the basics. Who knows what you can create once you master those?” He stopped glazing his plate and really looked at me. “Someone who sits down and can make a piece right away, but doesn’t want to spend time learning…we can’t help them.”

Point taken.

Moral of the story? Get out there and destroy some pots.



XO, The Match Maven

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