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When I first tried online dating, I was legally separated. Getting adjusted to life on my own and feeling more confident about the idea of dating, I accepted a dinner date with a young man who stabbed his steak with malice as he told me about his brother’s wedding plans.
He cut furiously into his filet: “And, I mean, I can’t believe that my brother and his fiancé are even consiiiidering getting married in Las Vegas, of all places,” he exhaled in utter disbelief. And disgust. He was getting his khakis in a bunch.
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Let’s talk about profiles and honesty.
When I first tried online dating, I was legally separated. Getting adjusted to life on my own and feeling more confident about the idea of dating, I accepted a dinner date with a young man who stabbed his steak with malice as he told me about his brother’s wedding plans.
He cut furiously into his filet: “And, I mean, I can’t believe that my brother and his fiancé are even consiiiidering getting married in Las Vegas, of all places,” he exhaled in utter disbelief. And disgust. He was getting his khakis in a bunch.
I stirred my margarita. “I got married in Vegas once.” I licked the salt rim and took a prim sip from the straw. His face turned pale over his blue button down, his mouth hung slightly slack. I smiled. “Currently Separated. You must not have read my profile very well.”*
(*This awkward scene could have been reduced to less than twenty-five minutes if I’d known NOT to accept a dinner date for a first meeting. I hadn’t yet coined the motto, “Just a coffee”…see July 27th Blog.)
My relationship status had been a debate. On the dating site I’d used, I wasn’t given the option to list myself as “single.” You have either “Never Been Married,” are “Currently Separated,” “Divorced” or “Widowed.” I suppose this is a very smart way to prevent cheating spouses from passing themselves off as single without REALLY lying about it. I felt like there should have been another category. Something like, “I was young, got married in Vegas and it only lasted thirteen months.” But…there wasn’t one of those. I checked.
“Why should you limit your options by telling them that you were married right up front?” one friend asked.
And frankly, had the option been “Single,” maybe I would have taken it. But you can’t skirt the truth with, “Never Been Married.” One day, and one day soon, I’d have to tell them about my failed marriage. And if they would never go out with me knowing that I’d been married, why would I misrepresent myself to them? Why waste each others’ time? There’s no sense in hoping that someone will love you for who you are, when you lied in order to get that first date. It’s unethical. And I was unwilling to accept less than what I wanted. I wanted my soul mate. And I wanted someone to accept me, my former marriage and all.
In college, I was part of the student body that enforced our honor code: “no lying, cheating or stealing in your personal or academic life.” Naively or not, I was still living by these standards in Hell’s Kitchen. So I listed myself as “currently separated” and later, when the paperwork finally wound its way through the Bronx County Courthouse, as “divorced.”
Nothing was more disappointing than going on a date with a man who claimed he’d “Never Been Married” and then learning that he’d been married a year. Or that it had been annulled. Or that he was married for three years, fifteen years ago. I had been honest. I expected the same from them.
Now, does this honesty extend to age? Pretend, for a moment that you are a woman in her fifties. You know that many men in your age group have a penchant for women decades younger. You look 43. Do you lie about your age?
And while we’re on it…is this the same sort of untruth as what I’ve heard teasingly referred to as “the JDate stretch”? (The joke goes…if a man says he’s 5’9” in his profile, he’s really 5’7”) But, what if he's actually 5'9" when he shows up to the date in the tennis shoes that give him a little lift? And how about someone considering themselves “athletic and toned” when in truth, they are “a few extra pounds?”
I’m going to say that misrepresenting yourself in any way on your profile is poor form. You know if you’ve been married before. You know how old you are. You know roughly how tall you are. And you certainly know if you go to the gym five times a week or not at all. Why would you want to date someone under false pretenses? If they wouldn’t be interested in you, knowing the facts…then they aren’t for you.
Not to mention, when these little "white" lies are revealed at your first meeting, they instantly call your integrity into question--if you're willing to stretch the truth about such basic facts, what else are you hiding? Remember, your date doesn't really know you.
While dating online can have myriad benefits, this is one area where it lags behind the good-old-analog way. In a bar, you recognize physical chemistry right away, irrespective of age, past relationships, height or perceived body-type, and this chemistry can override any initial concerns. Online, you can be typed out of someone’s search, based on basic criteria alone.
And this is the trade-off. But it’s a small price to pay for knowing whether or not you are accepted for what you bring to the table…before you even show up. Now, whether or not you have chemistry once you get to the table…well, that’s a topic for another blog post.
XO, The Match Maven
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